Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
