His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh god it's open bar.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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