Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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