My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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