i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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