P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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