I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
