I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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