also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
