Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
