last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
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no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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