The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
