Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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