I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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