Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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