and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
