my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
