I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
