She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
