Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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