Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
