I'm passing your future prison.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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