I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
