I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
