so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
