just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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