On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
