Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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