Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i dont even know how to be here
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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