i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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