So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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