Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
