I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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