So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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