Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
