Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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