she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
