but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize