I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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