Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
