Who did Billy Mays play for?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
