I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
even my farts smell like vagina
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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