so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
