I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
