I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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