It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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