just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
