don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
