This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
