yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My dick has a subreddit
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
