My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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