I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
