whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
