mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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