I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
