I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
