i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
